Mistakes

By the time you get to be my age you should have a pretty fair concept of your own personality flaws. For example (and this is only one of many), I find it extremely difficult to make mistakes, or even worse to put myself in situations where I might make mistakes. This flaw has prevented me from attempting -and thus possibly succeeding- in any number of endeavors throughout my life. I admit that I hate, truly hate, making mistakes.  Even the smallest blunder can cause my face to turn red: I loathe feeling foolish.
I have fought this propensity since childhood and as the years have passed I have come closer to accepting the idea that life is more about enjoying the playing of the game and less about "winning."
 Still, when I was seven, I chose to play in the outfield (it really was a big field and I really was waaaay out there) rather than miss the catch or throw the ball to the wrong base and thus incur the jeering of my older siblings and cousins. As a tween I elected to compete in local, rider friendly, shows so I wouldn't make an error in the ring and bring my horse in third place or worse yet, with no ribbon at all. I left nursing school after a year (even though I had straight A's) because I was afraid of making a mistake which could prove deadly to a patient in my care. I then majored in English which was my strong suit instead of biological sciences which I loved but found more challenging: I didn't want to make a mistake.
What does this have to do with, well, anything you might ask? And if you did I might answer: it is entirely possible that I have at this late juncture made the most colossal mistake of my life. And the most peculiar thing is I thought at the time I was being very gutsy, truly stepping outside of the box. I left my husband in Mexico. Ostensibly the reasoning behind the decision was well thought out. He wanted exciting, adventure-filled sailing; I was a bluebird sailor. I wanted to save the world or at least a part of it; he wanted to do something for himself after years of working hard and being responsible for a large family. There were no bad guys here. But that decision turned out to be a serious error in judgement. Larry hasn't done a great deal of sailing and I haven't even saved a stray dog, and that decision, which was solely mine, placed our marriage in a  vulnerable position. Separation, even for the noblest of motives, opens up the proverbial can of worms; being apart only complicated our lives.
But there is a big life lesson here for me and I have to ask myself if this was really a "mistake?" True I have spent any number of sleepless, lonely nights, but I have also had opportunities to be with children and grandchildren in both joyful and difficult times. I got to see Belize before Larry (tee hee).  I was even able to be on my own and make mistakes!  Larry confirms he has learned a thing or two as well.
I have spent too much of my life planning my future, both immediate and long-term. My take-away lesson?  I am now able to acknowledge that I really don't know what the next hour will bring, let alone the next year. But I look forward to living the remainder of my life without fear of making mistakes....at least most of the time!